Well, i thought that they were troubled, but it was me.. All these times, it was me. Hurtful doesn't it?
The conscious-maker buzzer is today. I'll tell you a story.
So, it started yesterday. Well, i have this feeling for a boy. And, we kind of had the same feeling. But, we were in the same organization that prohibited to date another member, so.. we had a relationship without the tag. So, overall we were doing good, but, honestly this is my first and my momma did told me to watch out. Since i found this pretty serious, i worried about things. I just being optimistic, and looking forward, so i can avoid regret on the future. And, i have worried about two things, he's parents, and he's character. I'm afraid that he's gonna make my life miserable. With that swingy mood, and spoiled behaviour i was just worried. Well, it's okay for now, but later? I could've guess.
And then i yelled to my self, i was afraid. This first turns out to be serious. And then today, we had this fight. At first, i lied to him. He made me promise about things i can't even make it true, and i lied, i broke it. But i denied that it was my fault. That's me. I don't want to be blame, in fact that i often blame myself to things i did. We'll get to that. And he's mad. And i said things that i regretted for the next 15 minutes. I asked him to do things, and he did. But i changed my mind, because i thought, he didn't get the true meaning. But all those quarelling, i knew i was wrong. He was so sweet, he still asked me what i want, i felt so selfish for letting him down. I felt that, he's not troubled, i am.
And then he told me, that he still love me, he forgave me, he did. And he gave me a Right Direction. Said that i have my own way to deal with my complex mind. I had pros and contras in me. Well, it made me struggled everytime. "Was it my fault?" Said the humble of me, and the fierce me said, "Oh c'mon, he's the one who's being such a selfish!". I am trying to let myself win, but i knew i have to sacrifice.
Well, i sort of think, that in every relationship there will be no, I, me, or whatever the pronouns. (It depends on situation rite?) Us, we. That means there will be transformation of our selfishness. I used to just go wherever i want, at least tell mommy. Now, i have to inform the boy. Well, sacrifice time. But it's worth it? Yeah.
And so, he's such right for me. He gave me confidence, really. He loves me, and i love him. No matter how bad i am, how selfish and unforgivable i am, he still there. I'll do the same thing.
So, god just answer what i worried yesterday. Just be sure of him..
With love, me.
